A couple of weeks ago, I decided that I was going to be an adult. A real adult this time, like the kinds you see in crappy romantic comedies and those dramas on AMC like Mad Men or Suits. I was going to start writing in my planner, scheduling things, talking in a deep voice about really serious issues but then also talking really fast and using big words as if my life was suddenly scripted by Aaron Sorkin. I begin by making all these promises to myself, even writing them down in a notebook as if I’ve suddenly drawn up some sort of contract with some outside party. I tell myself that I…
Seeking Passion
I’ve been struggling with something lately, and while this may come as no real surprise because A) it’s the end of January 2018, and B) it has been snowing on and off for the last few weeks, I’ve still managed to transition to a lesser version of myself: someone who sleeps half the day, then spends her nights lying awake staring at the ceiling. While the winter blues narrative has become moot at this point, and frankly a bit overdone, still the days pass with slow succession, my mood reflective of the now greying skies. A patterned case of seasonal depression attributed to the lack of sunlight and the it’s too cold…
物の哀れ (Mono no Aware)
Looking back, I would have to say that I’m incredibly lucky. Lucky in a lot of instances, which considering my pessimistic personality, is something that I’m not quite used to. I don’t know why, but there’s still this part of me that likes to chip away at any smile I may have and repeat the phrase over and over: You don’t deserve this. My initial near-breakdown and nervousness surrounding my winter holiday in Japan was, like most things with me, something that I built up too much in my head until it warped into a feeling that hinted towards regret more than anything else. This is nothing new for me,…
A Year in Review: The Confidence Project
At the beginning of this year I wrote down a checklist of things that I wanted to accomplish in 2017, something I’m sure no one is stranger too, as the start of the new year normally brings out our most idealistic selves. For the most part, I managed to accomplish the majority of my goals, as they were things I was either working towards, was in the midst of doing, or things I knew I would inevitably get done. Of course, that was no small feat – January 2017 Monica had very high expectations of herself, so as usual when it came to my annual list, unfortunately, not all were…
6,819 Miles
It’s that time of year again, and despite finally being in an area that has actual seasons, which is something I’ve wished for after years of watching the most banal yet heartwarming holiday movies, I’ve found my limited holiday cheer is for the most part, already exhausted. My experience with the holiday season is complicated, and has been a bit less magical since I found out that there isn’t actually a fat man in red suit who tumbles down the chimney in the middle of the night to deliver gifts for my brother and I. The Santa Clause myth is a bit of a stretch once you get to the…
“Where are you going, where have you been?”
Let me preface this post with a warning… I wasn’t going to post this. I didn’t want to. This reluctancy was born out of a need to convince everyone that everything is exactly as I say it is – fine. I’ll repeat that a dozen times until it sticks. I needed to convince myself of this. I wanted to fit into that perfect image I created of what my life in Korea would be like. It would be hard, yes, of course it would be. Moving abroad is inevitably a difficult thing to do, but the difference was I would never let it become too hard. The pressure of living in…
You are not lost
It’s 11:09am and I’m sitting in Starbucks. Despite the weather being annoyingly typical in its adherence to maintaining its unpredictability, I’m still sticking to drinking my coffee hot rather than iced. I’ll sweat my way through this drink, then brave the humidity on my walk back to work. If I’m lucky, it will be windy. That’s island weather: Like wading in a lukewarm bathtub one moment, then braving sudden gusts of wind that ruin any hope of styled hair, then, if you’re lucky, a sudden downpour. I’m not complaining though – however, the imminent outdoor soccer practices will soon prove otherwise – I’m living on an island, where fresh seafood…
Thoughts on Home
I’ve been a bit hesitant about writing this post, but it appears that I woke up strangely early this morning and now find myself in an empty cafe, hopped up on a bit too much coffee, relying on too little sleep, and, well – here we are. It’s been almost a month since I arrived in South Korea, and while I’ve yet to actually move in to my permanent residence (one more week!), this is essentially my home now, or at least, my home for the next year. Sometimes adding the time stamp makes this move feel less permanent, and as I venture further into adulthood at a catastrophically quickened…
Conversations + Generalizations
Currently, I’m working in an English cafe in Busan, South Korea. If you aren’t sure what a job like that entails, the main idea is pretty simple: people come to the cafe to have conversations in English with foreign volunteers (who are fluent English speakers from a variety of different countries). The ages of those that attend the cafe can range from middle, high school, or university students, graduates, and adults looking to either relocate for work or to simply raise their English language level in order to have access to better opportunities later on ~ either way, everyone is there to better their conversational English. They sign up, from…
In Transition
Remember when I was simply moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade? To be honest, me either. But now that I’m about one week out from The Big Move, I have come to the realization that I’m officially out of distractions. I had this feeling for a while, this ingrained gut feeling, where I assumed all of this was happening to someone else. That girl over there decided to move. That girl should probably start packing. That girl needs to stop spending time thinking about what book she wants to read next, and where she wants to eat lunch because she’s leaving. Or, I’m leaving. There we go, some responsibility is finally being taken.…
